An Endless Battle with Depression

This is different than any other post I've made here. It's an introspective post, where I share something I've battled for as long as I can remember: depression

Thank you for reading this.

Time and time again, I think of an interesting subject to write my next blog about. Maybe I can give a different perspective than the other hundreds of takes. I want to share my voice to you, the reader. I want to let you see things from my perspective.

But, I don't get to it. I get in my own way and keep myself from sharing my vision. I may talk myself out of an article because I've seen a ton of takes on the subject and don't want to oversaturate the market. I could simply just delay, or push it to the next moment that makes the idea out of the realm of relevancy.

I sit there and find excuses to not write something. I often find myself overthinking. I am my own worst enemy.

I've always joked that I am a "procrastinative" writer, in the sense that I enjoyed the rush of waiting until zero hour to get a project done. While, I did get a kick out of the adrenaline rush, it was a deeper issue that took me years to figure out. To understand why I always delayed things and always seemed to talk myself out of doing something.

It wasn't until after my father passed that I got some help that I learned that all my issues were intricately connected. Why do I always go worst case scenario? Why do I let my mind spiral uncontrollably? Why did I have intense mood swings? Why have I never been one to open myself up to others?

I was diagnosed with manic - or bipolar - depression. Even with coming to this realization, I still know next to nothing about it. I still have daily struggles and moments where I went from happiness to feeling as my head was just above water.

One minute things are going great, but then a trigger happens and a spiral begins. It could be something major like how long it took me to graduate from college. It could be something stupid as car trouble, or forgetting an important date.

These instances would cause me to miss occasions important to friends and family. Events they wanted me to be at, but I chose to lock myself away. That realization leads me to regret and knowing I'll spend my life apologizing to them, if I can.

I avoided weddings, and funerals. I avoided birthdays, and holidays. I always kept to myself and away from others. I didn't try to put myself out there to try new things. I always found myself looking backwards, instead of looking ahead.

Why would I do this? Things like this aren't easily answered, because there's not a how to guide on how to fix personal problems. You learn from life experiences, but how can life prepare you for battles you may face daily, or hourly?

Distractions. I don't mean something to delay me from getting something done. I mean something to just shut my mind down and give myself a break. One thing I've learned over my life is my mind can go off its' rails with no signs of stopping. I'm a chronic over thinker and I always go towards the worst case scenario, as I'm definitely as pessimist.

If I find myself slipping, I'll reach for the nearest pair of earbuds, or headphones, and let some music play through the speakers. If anything the sound can simply distract me from the monotonous and the doldrums of everyday life. It stops my mind from leading me to potentially troubled waters, and can calm me down.

If you know me, at all, you know my love of video games. From my brother's Atari, to my PS4 & PC, video games have been an active part of my life for as long as I can remember.

I've always had fun with them, and obviously used them to just shut off the world and worry about the virtual world that was in front of me. I honestly always believed these would be my saving grace. When I needed to get away from things, I had games to turn to.

Gradually, the help they offered deteriorated. What could be a joke, about how much I played them slowly wasn't as relevant. I still maintained interest, but I found myself not wanting to waste hours in these games. Where I once would use them to forget about the problems I deal with, they couldn't provide that anymore.

Because of this, I found myself struggling more than ever. Music wouldn't work. What kept me busy last year - working full time and going back to school - wasn't there. I couldn't find anything to help me. And that's when I threw in the towel.

Not giving up on life, but being stubborn. Realize I need to talk to someone and get some help for this. Realize that if I don't get help, that I'm basically playing with fire.

It's why I'm sitting here writing this post just to get my thoughts out there.

It's why I am planning to meet with the therapist who helped me once, and continue that method.

It's why I'm going to put the nose to the grindstone and find a job that I love doing. It's why I went back to college because I can't stay where I work. Dr. Perreault, you gave me a challenge the last time I met with you. Let me just say, challenge accepted.

It's why I'm going to do better and getting more blogs up for you to read. I'm not going to let the thought of over saturation stop me. You came to my blog, so obviously you want to hear what I have to say. Even if it's just about me.

Thank you for reading this. It's something I've wanted to write about for a long time.

With this post, I'm kicking off what I plan to be a weekly blog on sports, or video games. Those are areas I've loved writing about before, and I want to express that to you. The biggest thing for me is to stay on a schedule and to not let my mind wander.

The time is now.